This is for those of us who have Dogs or Cats as pets.
Thought ya'll would enjoy~
1. When I say move, it means go someplace else. It does not mean switch positions with each other so there are still two of you in the way or run around my legs and chase one another.
2. The dishes on the floor are yours and contain your food. All other dishes are mine and contain my food. (Please note: placing a paw or nose-print in the middle of my dinner does not stake your claim on it, nor do I find it aesthetically pleasing in any way.) Remember you have the second best nose in the animal kingdom so use it. If it smells like fishy sawdust it’s your food, any and everything else is mine.
3. The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Beating me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help because I fall faster than you can run. There are more than just two stairs, please use them all because you are going to give your mother are heart attack one of these days. Diving from the top stair to the bottom is NOT a fun game and will not be tolerated in the house.
4. I cannot buy anything bigger than a king size bed so get used to it. Locate your inner beast and remember that sleeping animals can actually curl up in a ball, so it is not necessary to sleep in between mom and dad, stretched out to the fullest extent possible and drooling all over my pillow.
5. Take note: cell phones, cordless phones, any and all types of shoes, credit cards, toilet paper rolls, clothes of any kind including those in the laundry basket, your leash, my belt, the furniture, the pillows on the furniture, the floor or the carpets on the floor, the walls, the doors, jewellery of any kind, garbage, baseball hats, any type of wiring or electrical cords, compact discs and anything else that does not smell like your slobber................... IS NOT A CHEW TOY!
6. For the last time, humans like to use the bathroom alone. If by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it won't help to claw, whine, meow, bite the knob, or get your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. (Trust me, I have been using the bathroom for years...canine or feline attendance is not mandatory.) There is no secret passage behind the door; if I go in I will eventually come out.
7. When you see me asleep on the couch, it is not funny to make a sudden leap onto my stomach and drop a chew toy, bone or jingle ball on my crotch, no matter how much that makes other family members laugh.
8. Dog: Don't think for a minute that making a sad face and whimpering pathetically will get you out of trouble when I find a puddle of pee on the carpet. The face and the whimpering only validate that you knew it was wrong when you did it. Hiding out of site until I find you also does not get you out of trouble.
9. Cat: My sitting down to bite into a juicy sandwich is not a signal for you to begin gagging loudly and then hocking up the most disgusting hairball in history.
10. Cat: At bed time I do not need my back, shoulders, neck, hair or any other part of my body kneaded like bread dough by your little claws. Just lay down on the pillow and go to sleep.
11: Dog: At bed time you are not a cat so don't get any ideas about kneading anything with those big claws of yours and don't even look at my pillow. Just be glad you are on the bed at all and come to the realization that cats have special privileges.
12. Dog and Cat: The proper order is kiss me, then go lick yourself. I cannot stress this enough.
To pacify you I have posted the following message on our front door:
Rules for Non-Pet Owners Who Visit and Complain About Our Pets:
1. They live here; you don't.
2. If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture. (That’s why it is called " Fur" niture.)
3. If you " are “ on the furniture and one of the animals is sitting in front of you staring, that means you are in his or her spot, " So get up and move "
4. I like my pet(s) better than I like most people.
5. To you it's an animal. To me, it's an adopted child who is short, hairy, walks on all fours and is speech-challenged. (My dog is only 2 years old and knows over a dozen commands and does not need a babysitter, be dressed up to go outside, be burped, be in car seat, be bathed in the sink, taught to speak more than one word, and has never needed to wear diapers or be fed by hand, can you say that about your 2 year old)
6. My dogs are my home security, my car alarm, my smoke detector, my carbon dioxide detector, and heart attack or stroke warning indicator and can find the remote for the TV faster than anyone on the planet. Can you say all about your home alarm system?
7. Dogs and cats are better than kids. They eat less, are easier to train, usually come when called, don't ask for money, never drive your car, don't hang out with losers, don't drink or smoke, don’t require a college fund, don't worry about the latest fashions, and if one of them comes home pregnant you can sell there offspring.
