We have entered the hurricane season. Every day till December 1st,
you'll turn on the TV to see a weather person pointing to some radar
blob in the Gulf of Mexico and he/she will be making two basic
meteorological points:
(1) There is no need to panic.
(2) We could all be killed.
Yes, hurricane season is an exciting time to be in Texas. If you're new
to the area, you're probably wondering what you need to do to prepare
for the possibility that we'll get hit by 'the big one.' Based on our
experiences, we recommend that you follow this simple 3-step hurricane
preparedness plan:
STEP 1: Buy enough food and bottled water to last your family for at least 3 days.
STEP 2: Put these supplies into your car.
STEP 3: Drive to Nebraska and remain there until Halloween.
Unfortunately, statistics show that most people will not follow this
sensible plan. Most people will foolishly stay here in Texas. So, here
are some important hurricane preparedness items:
HOMEOWNERS' INSURANCE:
If you own a home, you must have hurricane insurance. Fortunately, this
insurance is cheap and easy to get, as long as your home meets 2 basic
requirements:
(1) It is reasonably well-built, and
(2) It is located in Nebraska.
Unfortunately, if your home is located in - or close to - any other area
that might actually be hit by a hurricane, most insurance companies
would prefer not to sell you hurricane insurance . They might actually
have to pay YOU money, and that is certainly not why they got into the
insurance business in the first place.
So you'll have to scrounge around for an insurance company that will
charge you an annual premium roughly equal to the replacement value of
your house. At any moment, this company can drop you like used dental
floss. Since Hurricane Katrina, most Texans have had an estimated 27
different home-insurance companies. This week I'm covered by the Bob and
Big Stan Insurance Company under a policy that states, in addition to my
premium, Bob and Big Stan are entitled, on demand, to my kidneys.
SHUTTERS:
Your house should have hurricane shutters on all the windows, all the
doors and, if it's a major hurricane, all the toilets. There are several
types of shutters :
Plywood shutters: The advantage is that, because you make them yourself,
they're cheap. The disadvantage is that, because you make them yourself,
they will blow off.
Sheet-metal shutters: The advantage is that these work well - once you
get them all up. The disadvantage is that once you get them all up, your
hands will be useless bleeding stumps ... and it will be December.
Roll-down shutters: The advantages are that they're very easy to use and
will definitely protect your house. The disadvantage is that you will
have to sell your house to pay for them.
Hurricane-proof windows: These are the newest wrinkle in hurricane
protection: They look like ordinary windows, but they can withstand
hurricane winds. You can be sure of this, because the salesman says so.
He lives in Nebraska.
HURRICANE PROOFING YOUR PROPERTY:
As the hurricane approaches, check your yard for movable objects like
barbecue grills, planters, patio furniture, visiting relatives, etc. You
should, as a precaution, throw these items into your swimming pool (if
you don't have a swimming pool, you should have one built immediately) .
Otherwise, the hurricane winds will turn these objects into deadly
missiles.
EVACUATION ROUTE:
If you live in a low-lying area, you should have an evacuation route
planned. To determine whether you live in a low-lying area, look at your
driver license. If it reads 'Texas,' you live in a low-lying area. The
purpose of having an evacuation route is to avoid being trapped in your
home when a major storm hits. Instead, you will be trapped in a gigantic
traffic jam several miles from your home, along with two hundred
thousand other evacuees. So, as a bonus, you will not be lonely.
HURRICANE SUPPLIES:
If you don't evacuate, you will need a mess of supplies. Do not buy them
now! Texas tradition requires that you wait until the last possible
minute, then go to the supermarket and get into vicious fights with
strangers as to who gets the last can of SPAM. In addition to food and
water, you will need the following supplies:
a) Twenty-three (yup, 23) flashlights. At least $167 worth of batteries
that, when the power goes off, turn out to be the wrong size.
b) Bleach. (No, I don't know what the bleach is for. NOBODY knows what
the bleach is for, but it's traditional, so GET some!)
c) 55 gallon drum of underarm deodorant.
d) A big knife that you can strap to your leg. (This will be useless in
a hurricane, but it looks cool.)
e) $35,000 in cash or diamonds so that, after the hurricane passes, you
can buy a generator from a man with no discernible teeth.
Of course these are just basic precautions. As the hurricane draws near,
it is vitally important that you keep abreast of the situation by
turning on your television and watching TV reporters in rain slickers
standing right next to the Gulf of Mexico, telling you over and over how
vitally important it is for everybody to stay away from the water.
Good luck! And remember, it's great living in Paradise.
