These people prove stupidity is a terminal condition. As always, competition this year has been keen.
Eighth Place
In Detroit , a 41-year-old man got stuck and drowned in two feet of water after squeezing head first through an 18-inch-wide sewer grate to retrieve his car keys.
Seventh Place
A 49-year-old San Francisco stockbroker, who "totally zoned when he ran," accidentally jogged off a 100-foot high cliff on his daily run.
Sixth Place
Buxton , NC : A man died on a beach when an 8-foot-deep hole he had dug into the sand caved in as he sat inside it. Beach-goers said Daniel Jones, 21, dug the hole for fun, or protection from the wind, and had been sitting in a beach chair at the bottom Thursday afternoon when it collapsed, burying him beneath 5 feet of sand. People on the beach, on the outer banks, used their hands and shovels, trying to claw their way to Jones, a resident of Woodbridge , VA, but could not reach him. It took rescue workers using heavy equipment almost an hour to free him while about 200 people looked on. Jones was pronounced dead at a hospital.
Fifth Place
Santiago Alvarado, 24, was killed in Lompoc, as he fell face-first through the ceiling of a bicycle shop he was burglarizing. Death was caused when the long flashlight he had placed in his mouth (to keep his hands free) rammed into the base of his skull as he hit the floor.
Fourth Place
Sylvester Briddell, Jr., 26, was killed in Selbyville, DE, as he won a bet with friends who said he would not put a revolver loaded with four bullets into his mouth and pull the trigger.
Third Place
The following mind-boggling attempt at a crime spree in Washington, DC, appeared to be the robber's first (and last), due to his lack of a previous record of violence and his terminally stupid choices:
1. His target was H&J Leather & Firearms; A gun shop specializing
in handguns.
2. The shop was full of customers - firearms customers.
3. To enter the shop, the robber had to step around a marked
police patrol car parked at the front door.
4. A uniformed officer was standing at the counter, having coffee
before work. Upon seeing the officer, the would-be robber announced a
hold-up and fired a few wild shots from a target pistol.
The officer and a clerk promptly returned fire, the police officer with a 9mm GLOCK 17, the clerk with a 50 DESERT EAGLE, assisted by several customers who also drew their guns and fired. The robber was pronounced dead at the scene by paramedics.
Crime scene investigators located 47 expended cartridge cases in the shop. The subsequent autopsy revealed 23 gunshot wounds. Ballistics identified rounds from seven different weapons. No one else was hurt in the exchange of fire.
HONORABLE MENTION
Paul Stiller, 47, was hospitalized in Andover township, NJ, and his
wife, Bonnie, was also injured, when a quarter-stick of dynamite blew up in
their car. While driving around at 2 AM, the bored couple lit the dynamite
and tried to toss it out the window to see what would happen, but apparently
failed to notice the window was closed.
RUNNER UP: TACOMA , WA .
Kerry Bingham had been drinking with several friends when one of them
said they knew a person who had bungee-jumped from the Tacoma Narrows Bridge
in the middle of traffic. The conversation grew more heated and at least 10
men trooped along the walkway of the bridge at 4:30 AM. Upon arrival at the
midpoint of the bridge they discovered that no one had brought a bungee rope.
Bingham, who had continued drinking, volunteered and pointed out that a
coil of lineman's cable lay near by. One end of the cable was secured around
Bingham's leg and the other end was tied to the bridge. His fall lasted 40
feet before the cable tightened and tore his foot off at the ankle. He
miraculously survived his fall into the icy salt water and was rescued by
two nearby fishermen. "All I can say" said Bingham, is that God was watching
out for me on that night. There's just no other explanation for it." Bingham's
foot was never located.
AND THE WINNER...
Overzealous zookeeper Friedrich Riesfeldt (Paderborn , Germany) fed his
constipated elephant Stefan 22 doses of animal laxative and more than a
bushel of berries, figs and prunes before the plugged- up pachyderm finally
let it fly, and suffocated the keeper under 200 pounds of poop!
Investigators say ill-fated Friedrich, 46, was attempting to give the ailing
elephant an olive oil enema when the relieved beast unloaded on him. "The
sheer force of the elephant's unexpected defecation knocked Mr. Riesfeldt to
the ground where he struck his head on a rock and lay unconscious as the
elephant continued to evacuate his bowels on top of him" said flabbergasted
Paderborn police detective Erik Dern. With no one there to help him, he lay
under all that dung for at least an hour before a watchman came along, and
during that time he suffocated. It seems to be just one of those freak
accidents that proves... "AppleSauce happens."
