I know this is long, but it was an easy copy and paste, and I thought some would enjoy it...
Actually, I thought about posting each one in a separate post to bump up my numbers, but it would be too obvious...
A mechanic was removing a cylinder-head from the motor of a Harley motorcycle when he spotted a well-known cardiologist in his shop. The cardiologist was there waiting for the service manager to come take a look at his bike when the mechanic shouted across the garage, "Hey Doc, want to take a look at this?"
The cardiologist, a bit surprised, walked over to where the mechanic was working on the motorcycle. The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked, "So Doc, look at this engine. I open its heart, take the valves out, repair any damage, and then put them back in, and when I finish, it works just like new. So how come I make $39,675 a year and you make over a million a year when you and I are doing basically the same work?"
The cardiologist paused, smiled and leaned over, then whispered to the mechanic...
“Try doing it with the engine running.”
Forest Gump dies and goes to Heaven. He is met at the Pearly Gates by St. Peter himself. The gates are closed, however, and Forest approaches the gate keeper. St. Peter says "Well, Forest, it's certainly good to see you. We have heard so many good things about you. I must inform you that the place is filling up fast, and we've been giving an entrance quiz for everyone. The tests are short, but you need to pass before you can get into Heaven.
Forest responds "It sure is good to be here, St. Peter. I was looking forward to this. Nobody ever told me about any entrance exam. Sure hope the test ain't too hard; Life was a big enough test as it was. St. Peter goes on, "I know, Forest, but the test is only three questions: What days of the week begin with the letter T? How many seconds are there in a year? What is God's first name?"
Forest goes away to think the questions over. He returns the next day and goes up to St. Peter to try to answer the exam questions. St. Peter waves him up and says "Now that you have had a chance to think the questions over, tell me your answers." Forest says, "Well, the first one how many days of the week begin with the letter 'T?" "Shucks, that one's easy. That'd be Today and Tomorrow." The Saint's eyes open wide and he exclaims "Forest! That's not what I was thinking, but.....you do have a point though, and I guess I didn't specify, so I will give you credit for that answer."
"How about the next one?" "How many seconds in a year?" "Now that one's harder" says Forest, "but I thought and thought about that and I guess the only answer can be twelve." Astounded, St. Peter says "Twelve! Twelve! Forest, how in Heaven's name could you come up with twelve seconds in a year?" Forest says "Aw, come on, St. Peter, there's gotta be twelve, January second, February second, March second. . . " "Hold it" interrupts St. Peter. "I see where you're going with it. I guess I see your point, though that wasn't quite what I had in mind, but I'll give you credit for that one too.
Let's go on with the next and final question. Can you tell me God's First name?" Forest replied, "Andy." When St. Peter asked how in the world he came up with the name Andy? Forest replied, "You know, St. Peter, that song we sing in church: "Andy walks with me, Andy talks with me.
"The lesson: THERE IS ALWAYS ANOTHER POINT OF VIEW, and just because another person doesn't see things the same way or understand the same way that you do, does not mean that it's wrong.
A married couple went to the hospital together to have their baby delivered. Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine that would transfer a portion of the mother's labor pain to the father. He asked if they were willing to try it out. They were both very much in favor of it.
The doctor set the knob to 10 percent for starters, explaining that even 10 percent was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before. But as the labor progressed, the husband felt fine, so he asked the doctor to go ahead and bump it up a notch.
The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20 percent pain transfer. The husband was still feeling fine. The doctor checked the husband's blood pressure and pulse and was amazed at how well he was doing. At this, they decided to try for 50 percent.
The husband continued to feel quite well. Since it was obviously helping out his wife considerably, he encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him. The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain. She and her husband were ecstatic.
When they got home, they found the mailman dead on the porch.
This guy sticks his head into a barber shop and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looks around the shop and says, "About 2 hours." The guy leaves.
A few days later the same guy sticks his head in the door and asks,"How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looks around at shop full of customers and says, "About 2 hours."
The guy leaves. A week later the same guy sticks his head in the shop and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looks around the shop and says, About an hour and a half."
The guy leaves. The barber looks over at a friend in the shop and says, "Hey, Bill, follow that guy and see where he goes." In a little while, Bill comes back into the shop laughing hysterically. The barber asks, "Bill, where did he go when he left here?" Bill looked up and said, "To your house."
One aristocratic clan's ancestors had come to America on the Mayflower, and their lineage included senators, captains of industry and Wall Street wizards.
So proud were they of their family tradition that they decided to compile a family history as a legacy for their children and grandchildren. They hired a fine author. Only one problem arose-- how to handle that great-uncle who was executed in the electric chair.
Not to worry, said the author. He could write that chapter of their history tactfully, and indeed, he did. "Great-uncle Henry,' he wrote, 'occupied a chair of applied electronics at an important government institution, was attached to his position by the strongest of ties, and his death came as a real shock."
A small town prosecuting attorney called his first witness to the stand in a trial - a grand motherly, elderly woman. He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"
She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, cheat on your wife, you manipulate people, and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a rising big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you."
The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?"
She again replied, "Why, yes I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster too. I used to baby-sit him for his parents. And he, too, has been a real disappointment to me. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. The man can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the shoddiest in the entire state. Yes, I know him."
At this point, the judge rapped the courtroom to silence, and called both counselors to the bench. In a very quiet voice, he said with menace, "If either of you asks her if she knows me, you'll be jailed for contempt!"
It was spring in the old west. The cowboys rode the still snow choked trails looking for cattle that survived the winter. As one cowboy's horse went around the narrow trail, it came upon a rattlesnake warming itself in the spring sunshine. The horse reared and the cowboy drew his six-gun to shoot the snake. "Hold on there, partner," said the snake, "don't shoot- I'm an enchanted rattlesnake, and if you don't shoot me, I'll give you any three wishes you want."
The cowboy decided to take a chance. He knew he was safely out of the snake's striking range. He said, "OK, first, I'd like to have a face like Clark Gable, then, I'd like a build like Arnold Schwarzenegger, and finally, I'd like sexual equipment like this here horse I'm riding."
The rattlesnake said, "All right, when you get back to the bunk house you'll have all three wishes." The cowboy turned his horse around and galloped at full speed all the way to the bunk house. He dismounted on the run and went straight inside to the mirror.
Staring back at him in the mirror was the face of Clark Gable. He ripped the shirt off his back and revealed bulging, rippling muscles, just like Arnold Schwarzenegger. Really excited now, he tore down his jeans, looked at his crotch and shouted, "My God, I was riding the mare!"
There were three friends that always wanted to play golf every Saturday afternoon, but couldn't because of there wives, so one day after many years they finally got together on the golf course and were waiting at the first tee when one guy said, "I had to buy my wife a diamond necklace to get to play today!!!"
The second said, "That's nothing I had to buy MY wife a new sports car to get out here today!!!"
The third said, "Boy you guys are a couple of wimps; I didn't have to buy my wife nothing!!!"
They both look at him and asked how he managed that!
The smartest of the three said, "It was easy, when I got up this morning I looked her straight in the eye and asked, "Golf course or Intercourse?" She threw me a sweater and said, "Take this, it might get chilly out there!"
One Sunday a cowboy went to church. When he entered, he saw that he and the preacher were the only ones present. The preacher asked the cowboy if he wanted him to go ahead and preach.
The cowboy said, "I'm not too smart, but if I went to feed my cattle and only one showed up, I'd feed him."
So the minister began his sermon.
One hour passed, then two hours, then two-and-a-half hours. The preacher finally finished and came down to ask the cowboy how he liked the sermon.
The cowboy answered slowly, "Well, I'm not very smart, but if I went to feed my cattle and only one showed up, I sure wouldn't feed him all the hay."
An elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%.
The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, "Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again." The gentleman replied, "Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!"
A college senior was on duty in the main computer lab on a quiet afternoon when he noticed a young woman sitting in front of one of the workstations with her arms crossed across her chest, staring at the screen.
After about 15 minutes he noticed that she was still in the same position, only now she was impatiently tapping her foot. Finally, he approached her and asked if she needed help. She replied, "It's about time! I pressed the F1 button over twenty minutes ago!"
There was a married couple sleeping and an intruder entered into their house. The intruder put a knife to the neck of the woman and said, "I like to know the names of my victims before I kill them, what is your name?"
"My name is Elizabeth," the woman replied.
The intruder said, "You remind me of my mother who was also named Elizabeth, so I can't kill you."
The intruder then turned to the husband and asked, "What is your name?"
"My name's Phillip, but my friends call me Elizabeth."
A big-city counterfeiter decided the best place to pass off his phony $18 bills would be in some small hick Texas town. So, he got into his new wheels and off he went.
He found a tiny town with a single store. He entered the store and handed one of the bogus bills to the man behind the counter. "Can you change this for me, please?" he said.
The store clerk looked at the $18 bill a short time, then smiled and told the man, "Ah reckon so, Mister. Ya want 2 nines or 3 sixes?"
A supermarket had a sale on boneless chicken breasts, and a man I know intended to stock up. At the store, however, he was disappointed to find only a few skimpy pre-packaged portions of the poultry, so he complained to the butcher lady. "don't worry, ya ," she said. "I'll pack some more trays and have them ready for you by the time you finish shopping."
Several aisles later, my friend heard the lady butcher's voice boom over the public-address system: "Will the gentleman who wanted bigger breasts please meet me at the back of the store."
As a Delta Air Lines jet was flying over Arizona on a clear day, the copilot was providing his passengers with a running commentary about landmarks over the PA system.
"Coming up on the right, you can see the Meteor Crater, which is a major tourist attraction in northern Arizona. It was formed when a lump of nickel and iron, roughly 150 feet in diameter and weighing 300,000 tons, struck the earth at about 40,000 miles an hour, scattering white-hot debris for miles in every direction. The hole measures nearly a mile across and is 570 feet deep."
From the cabin, a passenger was heard to exclaim, "Wow! It just missed the highway!"
Seems this hillbilly came to town carrying a jug of moonshine in one hand and a shotgun in the other. He stopped a man on the street, saying to him: "Here, friend, take a drink outta my jug." The man protested, saying he never drank.
Unimpressed, the hillbilly leveled his shotgun at the stranger and commanded: "Drink!"
The stranger drank, shuddered, shook, shivered and coughed. "God! That's awful stuff!"
"Ain't it, though?" replied the hillbilly. "Now here, you hold the gun on me while I take a swig."
Sometimes women are overly suspicious of their husbands. When Adam stayed out very late for a few nights, Eve became upset. "You're running around with other women," she charged. "You're being unreasonable," Adam responded. "You're the only woman on earth."
The quarrel continued until Adam fell asleep, only to be awakened by someone poking him in the chest. It was Eve. "What do you think you're doing?" Adam demanded. "Counting your ribs," said Eve.
A mother, accompanied by her small daughter, was in New York City. The mother was trying to hail a cab, when her daughter noticed several wildly dressed women who were loitering on a nearby street corner. The mother finally hailed her cab and they both climbed in, at which point the daughter asks her mother, "Mummy, what are all those ladies waiting for by that corner?", to which the mother replies, "Those ladies are waiting for their husbands to come home from work."
The cabbie, upon hearing this exchange, turns to the mother and says, "Ahhhhhhh, C'mon lady!! Tell your daughter the truth!! For crying out loud. They're hookers!"
A brief period of silence follows, and the daughter then asks, "Mommy, do the ladies have any children?"
The mother replies, "Of course dear. Where do you think cabbies come from?"
It was autumn, and the Indians on the remote reservation asked their new Chief if the winter was going to be cold or mild. Since he was an Indian Chief in a modern society, he had never been taught the old secrets, and when he looked at the sky, he couldn't tell what the weather was going to be.
Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he replied to his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the village should collect wood to be prepared.
But also being a practical leader, after several days he got an idea. He went to the phone booth, called the National Weather Service and asked, "Is the coming winter going to
be cold?" "It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold indeed," the Meteorologist at the weather service responded.
So the Chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more wood in order to be prepared. One week later he called the National Weather Service again. "Is it going to be a very cold winter?" he asked. "Yes," the man at National Weather Service again replied, "it's going to be a very cold winter." The Chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect every scrap of wood they could find. Two weeks later he called the National Weather Service again. "Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to
be very cold?" "Absolutely," the man replied. "It looks like it's going to be one of the coldest winters ever." "How can you be so sure?" the Chief asked. The weatherman replied, "The Indians are collecting firewood like crazy."
A cowboy was talking big in a bar one night about how much money he had, how many women he had been with and how much land he owned.
A young man, growing tired of all the big talk finally asked the cowboy, "Just how much land do you actually own?"
The cowboy tipped back his cowboy hat and said to the young man, "Well, Sonny, let me put it to ya like this, I can get in my pickup at sunrise, drive all day long, skip lunch and still not get to the other side of my property by sundown."
The young man shot back quickly, "Oh yeah, I know what you mean. I used to own a Ford truck too!"
In relationships with women the difference between winning and losing is all in the wording. The loser says "your face could stop a clock" The winner says "your face makes time stand still"
